I invented a brand-new medical
procedure, tentatively christened as
the nasal-scrotal swappy-ectomy,
a completely life-changing surgery
for an as-yet unidentified group
of sufferers scattered across the globe.
The first guy we tried it on did just great
until someone at church said: “The milk’s off.
Give it a sniff and tell me what you think.”
Do not use this product
if you have heart disease,
liver problems, high blood pressure,
persistent cough or chronic
breathing problems.
Also not a good idea if you
are pregnant or breast-feeding,
taking drugs for depression,
psychiatric or emotional conditions,
if you have Parkinson’s disease,
or if you just want your kids to go to sleep.
If you do decide to take this
product, do not drink alcohol,
drive, or operate heavy machinery.
Try to avoid people with whom
you may be tempted to get into a
fight, as you will be darn irritable.
Keep out of the reach of children,
both you and these pills. Do not
take more than directed. If you do,
contact the Poison Control Center
right away, at the number unfortunately
obscured by the price tag on the right.
Then again, if you have managed
to read this far, you’re probably
going to pull through.
Penguin Poems 