Nuns and bacon

I’ve got shaving cream stuck on my

earlobe and a strand of dental floss
clinging to my right shoe.  That faint
smell of bacon comes from my briefcase,
where I absent-mindedly stashed what
I was supposed to give the dog when the
phone rang with a reminder of the doctor’s
appointment which I seem to have
forgotten in my confusion following the
unfortunate incident with the street sweeper
and the crocodile formation of
pre-schoolers crossing the divided highway.
CD seven of my new box set from the
library was playing at the time, something
about accepting life as it comes, so I
didn’t lay on the horn and instead smiled
at the gigantic nun waving her hands in the
central reservation.  The word “wimple”
got stuck in my mind and I spent the rest of my
drive thinking about rhymes for it, of which
there are precious few, which may partly
explain the paucity of decent nun poetry,
and also attempting to undress her in my
imagination, only to be thwarted at every turn

by a gleaming steel under-habit with a
big sign saying “For God’s sake, keep out!”
Felt a little better by the time I got to work,
especially when the receptionist winked
at me, but then I couldn’t stop imagining her
as a nun.  Weird.  Maybe if I’d gone to
Catholic school this wouldn’t be a problem,
which actually might just be the best reason
I have heard so far for supporting school vouchers.
I wonder if Jesus was ever late for work,
probably not while carrying bacon, and if Mary
Magdalene ever let him look under her robe.

A bit of stream-of-consciousness insanity to share with friends at the fabulous dVerse Poets Pub.


About Andrew Kreider

I'm a poet and musician,transplanted from London, England to beautiful northern Indiana. By day I am a stay-at-home dad with our three kids while my amazingly talented spouse conquers medical school one long shift at a time. At night, I'm a performer and trouble-maker. I love my life.

11 responses »

  1. Fun piece, thanks for sharing. Though I'm not really sure Catholic school would have made much of a difference in your case.

  2. hahaha another fun piece, enjoyed it muc great job. No sure those wonders are good things to be thinking about though

  3. hahaha oh the controversy in this one….there are some nuns…oh never mind i will only get myself in trouble…the sign cracked me up…this was a fun read…wonder if she likes the smell of bacon…

  4. Cackling mightily here. I can think of three rhymes for wimple, but none of them would make a very good poem–not as good as this, anyway–loved it–you made my day.

  5. Absolutely brilliant, Andrew– so much fun, a little easier on yourself with that self-mocking persona we know and love, I see! xxxj

  6. Very funny and really (my guess is) very true. (Is that why prostitutes sometimes dress up as nuns? – I always thought that was an S/M thing) I really think of nuns as an S/M thing or really just a Sadist thing as that's what actually going to Catholic school does to you for a lifetime. Totally get all that distracted stuff especially when you're trying to write a poem. Loved this!

  7. hhaahahaan….. this is hilarious! Great job…. I did go to Catholic school and fell in love with my first grade teacher, Sister Rose Ann. She was fresh from the convent and couldn't have been more that 21 or 22 at the time. Trust me, it didn't help. She used to walk up and down between the aisles and watch us as we worked in our little workbooks. She always smelled so beautiful, and she was beautiful. These nuns wore a white starched vest on their chests over a black dress, which was cinched at the waist by a chord or a beaded rosary. Looking at them from the side allowed you to see behind the white vest, and one day I couldn't help but notice her breast as she walked past so I just reached up and grabbed it. She picked me up by the ear and literally carried me out of the room into the hallway, where she incessantly asked if I would do that to any of my five sisters or mother…… Of course not, I answered a dozen times. How incredibly disgusting that idea was! "Why did you do it to me?" I didn't know why at the time, and still don't, but the truthful answer is simply that I wanted to! Great Poem!

  8. Thanks, all, for such wonderful responses! I have to add that I have known a number of nuns over the years and all of them have been wonderful human beings!

  9. fun and deep,keep playing, you are doing great.:)

  10. what an interesting fun piece glad I found a little time to return here to read some of the entries

  11. Andrew, this is a riot. The stream of consciousness thing only works when one is actually conscious… and that's you all over! Wimple, pimple, crimple, scrimple, thrimple. All I could think of, ha ha ha. I really needed a laugh tonight, so thanks a lot! AMy


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: